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| After nothing happened with Linzi I was fairly disheartened for a while. That was late 2008, early 2009. Disheartened with girls for pretty much all of spring semester, though I feel like I must have at least had some lame-ass crush. Nothing worth remembering, apparently, though I was smoking more weed that semester than the fall.
Oh, the fall! The triumphant return to college. A- in Philosophy with Horton, A in Calculus 1 with Leake, F in English, and...B? in Physics. All in all, better than I had expected, even with the F.
Anyways that was kind of a fluke, next semester I moved out of 103 with Adam and into 306 with Jake. He didn't smoke that much, even quit for a month or two while we were living together. And I was broke the whole semester but somehow I got smoked up at least twice a week, usually more. So I got a couple F's and maybe a couple passing grades. Back to suspension.
Then I took summer classes. Met Syd, Keets' roommate, the day of move-in - insta-crush, but it faded as the summer wore on. Keets was never around, she got some suckup boyfriend to drive her around all summer and drank every day. Also kinda got to know Tom Harm, then got arrested with him. Ended up working really well, the classes I mean - film studies especially was challenging and interesting. An A, an A-, a B, and a C-. Not too shabby. In fact it was my best ever, since the next fall I once again failed them all.
Since the day I moved into the apartment at 3rd and Maple, I never went to class again. Quite literally. So now I'm living there with no purpose, except to smoke cigarettes and get high. The neighbors are cool and all.
Oh yeah, after Linzi. After Syd - nothing happened, we're friends. There was Sammy, who was kind of stupid but kind of cute. She dumped me, then she moved back to Arizona. A little painful at first, but generally not so bad.
So the neighbors. Trevor's got a girl, Danielle, and one day in Jimmy's room she says to me, out of the blue, "I have a friend I think you would really like". Typical 'yeah right' bullshit, but she brings it up again some other day, later. And they bring her to the Valentine's party. and I DO like her. She's a redhead, she's busty, she's smart, she likes pavement and the pixies and animal collective and when they put "My Girls" on the Youtube she says, "MWPP is ok but I like Strawberry Jam better" and my heart melts.
But I don't say anything at first, really. Just trying to be interested but nonchalant. A little Jack Daniels later, she pulls me into the basement, away from Syd. Literally pulls. Which is awesome, I have never been pulled before, except maybe by Jessie, which doesn't count. I assume she wanted to dance, but I still don't dance. Not too much talking to get done, since the music is blaring and there's a million people.
Oh, her name's Sarah. Like you could ever forget that. But I suppose this is for posterity as much as expression.
Some point later, Trevor, Sarah, Danielle, and a few other randos come with me over to my place. We leave for a while to get away from the huge crowd. We smoke, she sits on my futon, I show her my records a little but mostly leave her to talk to some other guy that seems like an old friend. Everyone heads back to the Smash house.
Fast forward some, its just me and Trevor at my place cuz of a cop scare and his outstanding warrant.
PAUSE
"She digs you," he says, in more words in his typical fashion.
Later, its just me, Jimmy, and Sarah, on their back porch. He goes in, she's been hanging around me for a while. I invite her back to my place. Cue fireworks.
Saturday morning, I'm in blissful shock. Everything that could be expected from someone who previously considered mutual attraction virtually unattainable.
But at some point in the evening, something took hold of me. An attachment, or a jealousy, I don't know what. Probably a fear of turning gold to shit. Naturally I did what I've always done, which is to dwell way too much and text way too much. And lean on the thought of it, put way too much weight on it. I learn a little every time, even if I keep making the same mistakes.
Over the next four or five days I slip into insanity. Moments of silence mean thousand yard stares, for me - the shock has definitely worn off and I'm going catatonic. I decide to make her a mixtape - yeah. A mixtape, for a girl I barely know. Not smart at all.
The next weekend I go to stay with Danny at his place, though the real reason is to see Sarah again. And I do - I get to visit the fabled Spyhouse, which has excellent espresso. I get to see her Apartment, I get to see her naked in the light, I finger her to almost the entirety of Surfer Rosa. So much of this is being left out because I'm not in quite a descriptive enough mood to spend the hour or two it would take. But it comes out at some point, before the sex, that she's got at least one other guy interested in her. And she's not looking to date anyone, really, with the tone of voice that suggests "date" means "boyfriend".
Gah, that's all I feel like saying right now. There's so much to think about and even though I know I'm not totally sunk it's kind of depressing drawing all this up, even though it was only a couple of weeks ago.
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| It's the last Friday of the semester excluding finals, and I'm drunk and stoned as hell. The time is exactly appropriate for a xompletely xonest xanga xentry. The new love interest is Linzi, who I met at Robot house. Typical of myself, I went apeshit with the text and facebook flirting, and now it's very awkward when I see her in person. Alcohol eased this awkwardness tonight, but there's still a weird thing there. She's very much a normal person, in that she can interact socially and make small talk. I seem to have problems doing this exactly the same way others do it, and in the same contexts. There isn't any such thing as an easy conversation for me, but maybe that's why they're so satisfying when it's a deep conversation with real truth to it. I only seem to get that from guys, which worries me and makes me think I'm gay sometimes. But I love the tits, the breasts, the boobs, whatever they may be called and whatever their size is. That lopsidedness that Jessie had was unattractive; add that to the list of delusions that our relationship was built upon.
I think I might not be ready for any kind of relationship with a girl. I have personal issues that I might need to sort out first.
But on the other hand, the world doesn't wait for you to get ready. I'm young now, I should take advantage of that now. And it could easily be argued that I've waited much too long to learn how to hit on girls as it is. Fucking go for it, Dan!
So in the end, I didn't get laid tonight. Nothing new there.====
Today's main achievement:
Memory Lane by Elliott Smith - B- condition, but a huge step from D condition last night. I got stoned and worked on it for a long time.
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| So much for that girl.
And that Jessie character.
Now some humdrum Kelly two doors down won't leave me alone. 4 blowjobs and counting, but I won't just tell her I'm not interested in dating.
I'm interested in somehow not wanting to smoke weed anymore, since I'm obviously dependent.
And consequently feeling like a real person again.
Why is it only on this unread xanga that I'm able to speak freely? Nowhere else in the entire world does the job.
Here's hoping that I can make it through this semester.
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| I met a girl today. I had just gotten out of the University Center after eating with Dan Risinger. It was 20 minutes before class and I still had to do the reading, so I headed off to North Hall. I saw a girl sitting on the bench, smoking, and decided to sit next to her. Everyone else I've met so far is, well, stupid. Lets get Wasted! Beer! Weed, yeah! Homework? Fuck homework!
I started talking to her. She's in Calc 3, a Chemistry and Psychology Major. She doesn't drink like an idiot, or even very often. She looks kind of like Becky Larsen, though about 100 times smarter and a fair bit prettier. Her name is Aly, and she's a junior. I was captivated by her honest speaking style and the wisdom she seemed to have tailored for me. Not to mention her long blonde hair and, let's say B cups. I tried to hold a conversation but this was obviously a much more mature person than I. I felt foolish explaining what happened last year even though I got a B+ in Calc senior year. Camel Lights, long blonde hair, emo glasses, honest demeanor, possible real connection. So of course I'll over-analyze everything I do and say around her, especially when I talk about myself. Sometimes it will feel like bragging, sometimes it will feel like excessive self-deprecation, and sometimes it will feel like I just have nothing to say. I've already pumped her up so much in my head its pretty unlikely, but meeting somebody who isn't an alcoholic college asshole gives me hope for the rest of this year. Just yesterday I was thinking of some girl I met in the neighbor across the hall's room while we played Halo 3. His asshole approach works much better than my nice guy approach, and I definitely don't have a six-pack.
I've gotta join a club.
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|  | Currently Listening
XO
By Elliott Smith
Bottle Up and Explode
see related |
Auggggh.
She might be coming over tonight and if I don't tell her then the day will be a total failure. Because I already smoked pot, without more than 10 seconds hesitation. I guess ten seconds is better than none at all.
Anyways, I don't hesitate to do the things I shouldn't do, while I do hesitate to do things I should do. How do I compensate for this? By cleaning up every mess I can find, except those in my bedroom, my brain, and my heart.
Seriously, in case this album wasn't perfect enough a month or two ago when I bought it.
Also:
I think I may finally, for the first time since I started it in fourth grade, be tired of porn. Whether this is from recent overuse, emotional turmoil, or something else, I do not know. But I am sick of it and if I see another video of some girl doing something sexual that I don't know I'm liable to cream my pants and then vomit.
This makes the bitter sting of needing sex and wanting it from someone who I'm about to break up with much harder to deal with. As soon as possible, after I break up with Jessie, I need to go to a party and get laid. Or something.
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